dream.

a collection of my dreams and inspirations

I’m lost.

I’m lost and I feel so alone. I have never been so lonely in my life. I feel so exhausted. I have so much to say. So much that I want to tell someone. I’m crying for help, but I know that I’m the only one that can dig myself out.

People can tell that I’m not the same. Even on my ‘happy days’, I don’t feel like myself.

I know this feeling will pass, but it’s hard to hold on.

Truth and Struggles

So let’s talk about my problems for a minute:

Why am I insecure? I’m insecure because I’m constantly comparing myself to others. I know that I shouldn’t do that, that it’s not healthy. Whenever I’m consciously aware that I’m doing this, I try to stop myself from going there with my mind. It’s so hard though. I am insecure because I let myself be. I have spent many years blaming the kids who bullied me, but I stopped doing that. I realized that if I kept on blaming others for being the reason of my insecurities, I’m giving myself a reason to keep being insecure. I was telling myself “Oh, it’s not your fault. They made you this way.” Maybe the bullying didn’t help, but that was many years ago. Now I have no one to blame except for myself. I just need to gain strength and let go off all the insecurities.

Letting go… This is what I’ve been trying to work on for the past couple of months. I know now that this is the key to me overcoming my struggles. I need to let go of my emotional baggage, of my past, of my mistakes, and of my insecurities. What a simple idea for an extremely complicated process.

-Jenny

It’s Monday!

I feel great today. Even though it’s a Monday, I feel so energized and inspired to make today a great one.

I have been slacking a little with my homework and exercising. So today is the day that I catch up on both.

I have a question, would any of my viewers be interested in seeing my fitness progress? Like before and after pictures?

I hope you guys have an amazing day today. Please don’t forget to comment and subscribe.

-Jenny

My rabbit is depressed :(

So I have this pet rabbit and her name is Molly. Here is a picture of her:

She is absolutely adorable.

Anyways, Molly is about 6 months old. Maybe even 7 months. She used to be potty trained until recently she started going to the bathroom everywhere in the house. So we decided that it was time to get her fixed. Well we took her to the vet yesterday and that was the first time she’s ever been off of our property. So the whole experience really overwhelmed her. When Molly met the vet she completely freaked out. The vet wanted to put her on a counter to weigh her, but Molly freaked out and jumped down from the counter, hit the wall and face planted on the ground. She is fine and is not injured. But the vet wouldn’t operate on her because she said that she’s too stressed out at this age and that we should come back around March when she’s more mature. Because she doesn’t want to risk Molly’s life.

Anyways, since yesterday her behavior has completely changed. She used to be very hyper and friendly and now she just hides in the corner and gets very scared when I try to pet her. I’m really hoping that she’s just fightened and it will go away soon. I’ve been giving her treats and just trying to hang out around her but she is just so sad and not her usual happy self. I read that rabbits can die from being frightened.

If you know anything about this please let me know!

Love

Places that I would love to spend an eternity

This post is going to be very simple and fun. Enjoy! And be sure to share your favorite places.

Places that I would love to visit one day:

West Thumb Geyser Basin, Yellowstone National Park

Bromo Tengger Semeru National Park

Hawaii

Cinque Terre, Italy

Grand Canyon

Bora Bora

Paris, France

New Zealand

Japan

Egypt

So my question to you: if you could go anywhere in the world and live there for an eternity, where would it be and why? Mine would have to be in Japan. And have you guys been to any countries/places that I’ve posted? Let me know in the comments.

Love,

Jenny

Thank you!

Wow, I really was not expecting people to add me back or let alone like my last post about my life story…I will continue with the second part shortly. So thank you very much! Please keep following me, it makes me feel motivated to write.

I decided that I’m going to try to blog once a day. Even if I don’t have anything important to say, I want to just sit down and write.

One thing about me is that I really like inserting pictures of myself into each post because I want people to be able to see who I am. I want people, you guys, to be able to connect my words to my face and understand me. I don’t want to be a stranger to my readers.

With that being said, here is a picture of me:

And with this picture as a guide, I will now talk to you about the overdone topic of self-confidence. I have never considered myself to be a person with great self confidence. (Part of this relates back to my childhood – read my last post). But it’s because I’ve always felt different from everyone else. And when I was younger I though that being different meant I was not beautiful. That I was weird, strange, and undesirable. I thought that being different was a bad thing. I never fit in, no matter which country I was in. I remember having conversations with adults about this, about how I hated being different. And they all told me that one day I’m going to love that about myself. I never understood what that meant until many years after. I always got asked about my nationality. People couldn’t tell what I was. A teacher from high school actually asked me if I was part eskimo. And one kind asked me if I was from Alaska. I never understood why they thought that. I don’t even know what Alaskans are supposed to look like. I assume they would look like any other Americans?

But my point is that, I grew up with a low self esteem because I hated the fact that I couldn’t fit in. I’ve only gained confidence in the past few years because I finally stopped trying to fit in. And I realized that no one really “fits in.” There’s no such thing as being normal. Last month, I made a point to stop wearing make up altogether. I wanted to feel comfortable with my own skin. With my freckles showing. I am so proud of myself and how far I’ve come.
Feel free to share your stories about self confidence. Please follow and leave comments.

Love,

Jenny

What’s been on my mind

Something that many people don’t know about me is that behind my smile is an over-thinker. I’m not sure what is about to come out as I write this because I have been think about a lot of things lately and I really just wanted to write about it. SO here goes my rant:

I’ve been thinking a lot of religion lately….or just the spiritual side of life in general. I actually filled out a membership form to join this Zen group because I really miss being absorbed into religion. (I was raised as a Buddhist for 10+ years, Theravada Buddhism to be exact.) I guess what I miss most about it is the comfort of having there be something else in this world than just the ground and the sky. I want to believe that this life that I am living in right now is not going to be the only life I live. I want there to be an afterlife so bad because it is the only way that I can ever cope with loss of a loved one. I miss having faith in the unknown. On a side note, I don’t know if anyone has ever thought about this, but I can’t help it but think that we – the universe – is part of something. Maybe we are just like the atoms that make up something else. I feel like that scene in Men in Black where our world is in an Alien’s locker.

Rant subject number two – growing up. I guess that this kind of goes along with what I just wrote, but I have been getting the feeling like I need to be doing something more in life. I don’t understand why people say 20 years old is young. Some of my best friends that I grew up with in the Thailand were married and had kids by the age of 15. Now I’m not saying that I want babies, but I feel like I need to do something. I don’t like it when people tell me that I’m still young and I have my whole life to figure it out. But I WANT TO FIGURE IT OUT NOW so I can spend the rest of my life doing it.

Rant number three – the demons inside of us. I told you this is going to be random… But anyways, something that I have been telling myself when I feel any negative energy towards anything at all, For example if I get jealous over some thing, I simply just tell myself that is the demon inside of me acting out. I need to not pay attention to it and beat it out of me. This again, may seem really silly. But think about it, everyone of us are victims of our own demons: jealousy, anger, self-destruction, depression, etc. Once you overcome your internal demons, it is just so satisfying.

I guess that I all I have for now…. :) I obviously have more thoughts, but I can’t think of any on the spot. Feel free to rant also.

Love,

Jenny

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